Well, as some of you may remember I used to be able to post chapters of a story I wrote a while ago every week. I've been fighting a burnout for some time and think I'm coming out on the other side. So, for my first attempt at keeping this ball rolling, I present 'Sacred Tears'. For those of you that remember my previous endeavors, this is Season 0, where everything REALLY started. Some of the stuff that I mention maybe quite a bit out of date, but it'll tickle the 'Bring Old Maple Back' people's bone. For those that don't remember/know my work, Enjoy.
Sacred Tears
Looking back at her life before she had met him, before he had grown up, before he had even been born, Ariel often asked herself why she hadn’t seen the darkness. Why hadn’t she seen his darkness? Why was it that she hadn’t foreseen what her choices would lead to? She was a goddess, a goddess of time no less, and yet she had no foresight for what this man would persuade her to do.
“Forgive me, my daughter Rhinne.” She said to the air, watching helplessly as both Rhinne and the man she both feared and loved were frozen within a barrier. She could undo it, but then what? Dane, or as he called himself, Magus Sloe, was only subdued in an unmoving state because of the barrier. Before she had erected it, Sloe was breaking through the sleeping spell she had forced onto her daughter. If needed, he could break her spell and fend her off at the same time. There was only one way she could ensure that Usoria would be safe, and that was to kill her daughter.
But how could she? Rhinne was her daughter; an innocent child caught in the tides of a greedy man’s quest for power. Yes, she was a goddess with limitless power at her disposal, but even that power had a weakness. And Magus Sloe was the one who wielded that power; the darkest power that existed within Usoria: Black Magic.
Chapter 1: Tinge
She had tried everything that she could think of, battling against hundreds, no thousands of his soldiers and still he came as though he were brushing aside a lock of hair. As a last ditch effort, she ran to her teenage daughter Rhinne’s room to grab her and escape from her home, the Temple of Time, but she was too late.
When Ariel burst through the doors, he was already standing next to her bed, gently brushing his finger across her cheek as she slept.
“GET AWAY FROM HER!” Ariel screamed, holding her hand out as a flame roared to life in her hand only to be stifled when he appeared before her. He grabbed her wrist with leisurely speed and locked eyes with her, malevolent whispers hanging in the air around them.
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The evening air of Margata was pierced with the shrieking cries of a woman in birth pains. As the minutes drug on, Carl couldn’t help but notice that with this child’s arrival into the world the lights of his home dimmed and flashed. He had no time to worry about such things as the child began to emerge, almost appearing to try and pull his way out of his mother. With another great heave on his mother’s part, the child was at last free and let out a great cry, screaming his distaste of the world’s cold air. His screams were soon rested as he was wrapped in a warm blanket and brought to his exhausted mother and proud father.
“Have you a name for the child?” Carl asked with eager curiosity. Adelia, the mother, looked to her husband for a moment then back into the child’s crystal blue eyes before remembering the name she had picked even before she began to show signs of the life within her.
“Dane. His name shall be Dane.” She whispered as Maxus, the father, took Dane and cradled him while holding the hand of Aelia before she fell asleep. Carl smiled and bowed his head, moving aside as the nurses came in to tend to the mother and child to ensure that there would be no complications to either of them. Once it was assured there were no complications, the new small family began a journey to holy city of Orion, a custom in Usoria. There, the child would be blessed by a priest of The Order of Minerna, but only at what could be considered by most as a high price.
Those that didn’t have the money would call for a traveling Bishop to bless their child in the name of one of three deities who ruled time, light or life. Often, many children lived out their lives without a blessing because Bishops were so few. Those that did exist were burdened with hundreds of thousands of families seeking such a blessing. Aelia and Maxus were fortunate enough to be among the few that could afford a blessing of Minerna.
“I wonder what kind of man he will grow up to be.” Aelia said as they boarded the Land Ship which would take them to Arentia, a larger city in the middle of a desert sea.
“Only time will tell my love. Fate is a funny thing here in Usoria. Many have the power to change it, while others are guided by it to a destiny we will never understand.” He smiled, presenting his ticket to the usher, filing his way to their seats.
“Thank you all for coming. This journey should take us approximately 9 hours, assuming that we don’t have any problems. I know there are children aboard, so we will have some entertainment for them. Also, we will have food and drink. Please remember to stay in your seats, and thank you again for choosing us to be your charter,” The pilot announced, returning to the cabin to begin their journey. As Aelia was getting settled, she couldn’t help but look up to see an odd man staring at her and Dane.
The man’s glare felt as if it were burrowing into her very soul, like all her sins had been laid bare before him. The longer she watched, the more intense his gaze seemed to become. She shook her head, turning her attention away from him and back to the sleeping babe in her arms. Instead the face of a pale man wrapped in a black cloak stared back at her. Panicked she looked back to the man who held his uncomfortable gaze as she felt a presence come near to her ear. It was torrid and full of hate, stifling even. The presence drew even closer to her ear and whispered with hot breath.
“This is but the beginning.” The noise woke Aelia from her slumber, the side of her face hot from leaning against the window.
“My dear? Is everything alright? You’re pale.” Maxus asked, placing the back of his hand on her forehead. Aelia looked over to him, noting that he was holding Dane in his arms who still lay fast asleep in his arms.
“How long have I been asleep?” she asked, brushing the long hair out of her face while passing a glance to a seat across the aisle where a young boy sat.
“For most of the trip; we’re only a few miles outside of Arentia. Are you sure that you are alright?” Maxus asked, looking in the direction she had been staring.
“I, I haven’t…” But the words she wanted to say just weren’t coming to her.
“You were tossing and turning in your sleep. Did you have a nightmare?” Maxus asked, re situating Dane in one arm and putting his other around Aelia.
“I wouldn’t really call it a nightmare; so much as it was a very intense dream or vision.” She whispered. Maxus smiled and rubbed her arm from around her back.
Comments
As they made their way to the main station, Aelia couldn’t help but notice the periodic beggers and homeless that skirted the Market place and station. Maxus’ work often left them with a surplus of money which they would donate to the Bishops that would sometimes come to Margata to help people such as these. Maxus caught her stare and sighed.
“We’ve done what we can my love. The Bishops know how to best handle the distributions.” He said, trying to quicken his actions to find his coin purse that held their tickets for the next Galleon.
“But is it doing any good? Are we the only ones helping?” She asked.
“We can’t make people help, we can only help with what we can and hope they will follow suit. Where is that blasted purse!” he said with emphasis. Aelia chuckled and reached in his pocket, pulling it from there and looking into it for the tickets.
“I have it.” she said as they quickly made their way to the Galleon. Once there, they settled into their first class seats, making sure that Dane was fed and settled as the ship gently pulled out of the dock and began its journey for Orion. As the ship left the dock, the ticket attendant shuddered to herself, her skin breaking out in thousands of tiny bumps.
“What’s the matter? Did you get a chill?” a second attendant asked.
“No, it was the last couple’s child. I don’t know who they were, but the kid had this strange look and it gave me the chills.” The first replied, looking back to the ship as it cleared Orion air space. Aelia had no more visions, and her feelings from the previous encounter had already died away, leaving her hopeful and at peace. As the Galleon glided into the dock, two personnel came aboard and sought out the couple, giving them a decorative pendant sporting a large blue gem.
“We were sent by Bredson of Minerna’s order to escort you to the great Hall.” Maxus and Aelia both nodded in agreement. The personnel led them through the cobble stone roads to a building decorated with grand wings on the roof. Inside were gold decorations, intricate designs woven into walls and fabrics depicting events and people from all times. Near the back of the building sat a large marble statue of a woman, her arms outstretched to the floor and her wise eyes smiling down on any below.
“Welcome to the temple of Minerna. I trust the child is healthy?” The priest asked. They turned their gaze to the front where he stood. His demeanor however was rather arrogant, quite in contrast to the teachings of comfort and understanding of the Order.
“Yes Fatri; A healthy boy by the name of Dane.” The priest walked forward, turning his gaze to Dane, looking over his facial features and serious blue-grey eyes.
“May I have the child?” the priest asked. Aelia looked to Maxus for a moment: she felt she could not trust the priest. Something in his eyes was sinister and dark. Maxus nodded as if to say for her to give him over and so ignoring her heart’s fear, she gently lay him in the priest’s arms. The moment he touched Dane, something felt like it washed over him, a presence unlike any he had felt before. As he looked into the face of the babe, those blue-grey eyes seemed to intensify their gaze upon him.
“W-what is it that you would like the child blessed with?” he stammered, trying to regain his composure. As he finished his speaking, another more intense wave washed over him sending chills through his very soul. A very general blessing from Minerna cost nearly 4 million Meso, nearly an entire year’s wages for any normal person. If a person wanted a specific blessing there was no charge, but an offering was usually requested.
“We only wish that he would grow to be a happy and prosperous man someday.” Maxus said, putting his arm around Aelia and pulling her close. The priest nodded, heading back to the main alter, trying to compose himself for the actual blessing. He was well aware that a specific blessing only required an offering. But he had made a habit of telling those asking for usually double the price of the blessing only after said blessing was performed. He had this in mind as he made his way back up the aisle, but the intense gaze of the child only made him reconsider doing such a deed. It was as if the child could see what it was that he was going to do and knew that it was wrong.
As he invoked the blessing, he did what he could to overcome the intense feeling of guilt and exposure to his thoughts. For thirty minutes as the blessing was invoked, the unseen battle raged between them. Sometimes the priest would need to pause for water from sweating to keep his mental focus. When at last the blessing was complete, the priest struggled to keep his composure despite his urgent need to be rid of this child.
“May Minerna smile upon you and the days of your child; there is something strong at work with this family. Go in peace.” The priest smiled, folding his hands and watching them as they left, caudling their child and speaking to him. When at last they were out of sight, the priest collapsed to his knees, breathing hard.
“What fate will befall this child that he would have such power?” he asked to the winds, pulling himself back to his feet as he had another blessing about to arrive.
“And you are sure that nothing like this had happened before?” Aelia’s father Vusron asked, holding his chin and he searched through scrolls.
“Yes I am quite sure.” she responded, looking down over the railing into Azwan while Maxus and Dane sat near where Vusron was searching.
“I don’t know what to tell you Aelia. From what you’ve told me it sounded like you just had a dream. If anything, I would say it had something to do with your heritage...” Vusron stopped himself and looked up to Aelia as she stared longingly at a picture of her mother. Maxus looked back and forth between them, noticing the hurt in Aelia’s eyes and the distance in Vusron’s.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t…”
“I know Father.” Aelia replied, folding her arms and hugging herself. Azwan was known for its Shamans proficient in spiritual matters and helping others to figure out what their dreams of visions could mean.
“Your mother was a very powerful Shamaness, even more than me and loved by all. Perhaps some of that power has rubbed off on you.” Vusron said, walking over to Aelia and placing a hand on her shoulder while speaking low to her.
“Maxus is a good man. But you must always remember that you don’t have to be bound by your heritage. Whatever happens, you and Maxus are always welcome here in Azwan.” Vusron comforted, both of them hugging each other before she left, gathering Maxus and Dane.
“What happened to your mother? Why have you never mentioned her?” Maxus asked, boarding the Sand Sailor heading back to Margata.
“It’s not something that I like to talk about.” Aelia replied sharply, taking a seat and pulling Dane into her lap.
“I saw the look both you and your father had, and I know what it means. What happened?”
“Just leave it alone.”
“Aelia, you know that I want you to trust me. The most that I know about your mother is that she died, but what I saw in there means that something more happened. Please, tell me. What happened to your mother?” Maxus pressed. Aelia curled her lips inward, trying to keep her tears from falling as she looked up the ceiling battling with herself on whether or not she should tell him. She reached below her shirt and pulled from it the necklace she always wore.
“My mother, as my father said, was powerful. A 10th level Shameness out of 12. As such her duties often called her to duties in Usoria that were more dangerous than the others could handle. One of those duties was to manage the power stored within the great obelisk you see there.” Aelis pointed through the back window to a large spear shaped object in front of the city entrance.
“Only those of 9th level or higher were given such a responsibility. Anyway, the head shaman said that there was going to be a surge of power welling up from Usoria. That would cause the power within the tower to become unstable if left alone and could be dangerous. She and six others 12th level shaman were put in charge of maintaining the power during the surge. Three days before the surge was to hit, all seven of them began to siphon some of the power out of it and into storage runes to ease their burden.
“When the surge did finally come, it was a bit more than they were prepared for and the power began to destabilize. Just as the Shaman were beginning to regain control of the power, the stored power ricocheted back into the obelisk and threw all of them to the ground. My mother was the first to come to her senses, seeing the amount of power being concentrated at that one point. My father at the time was a 4th level shaman, but even he knew what would happen if that much power was allowed to spin out of control. He ran to her to pull her away but the looks they gave each other shouted what they knew must be done. “With only seconds to think, my mother decided to absorb some of the power. My father began running to the others so they could regain control allowing my mother to bleed off the power she absorbed back. As my mother began, the power didn’t bleed off at her will, but rather flooded her body. Within seconds her mind was lost and began attacking those around her. The other Shaman did what they could to bleed off the power she had absorbed, but it was already too late.“When at last they did manage to subdue her, there was nothing left of the woman that everyone knew. The last thing I remember of her was her looking up into my father’s eyes before dying in his arms. When it was all over, the people of Azwan whom had loved her before, turned on her legacy. The other Shaman did as well, saying that it was she that had found and suggested the power transfer method. To this day, they still shame her any chance they get.” When Aelia finished she looked down to Dane, noticing that his gaze was almost comforting, reaching out of his blanket for her. Maxus put his arms around her, saying nothing as they rode the coach back into Margata. Once home, Adelia settled into her life as a mother while Maxus returned to his work as one of the lead researchers within Margata alongside their brightest mind, Dr. Mathias Long.
Margata was known as a major alchemical hub within Usoria. It was also home to some rather dangerous experiments between two units collaborating between each other. The Acaldos were a group specializing in mechanical and bio-mechanical alchemy led by a man named Madae Sung. The Zumiste Society as they called themselves, specialized in what they referred to as True Alchemy led by a wise man named Carl Jameson. This wing used nothing more than raw materials to create what they needed. As the months passed, there came a point in which both factions had begun researching the possibility of transferring a human body into a mechanical body, spear headed by Dr. Long.
“Now tell me again doctor, why are we experimenting with this kind of seemingly unethical experiment?” Maxus asked as Dr. Long looked over a report pertaining to their last experiment of memory transfusion.
“It’s that I fear my wife and daughter will outlive me. As you know, my wife Felicia is of the Sylphs and my daughter Keni shares her bloodline very strongly. Because of that bloodline, I fear that I will be gone many years before they even begin to age.” Dr. Long reached under his shirt and produced a locket, opening the cover and revealing a picture of two beautiful dark haired women standing back to back.
“Keni is healthy despite the odds of half fairies often being weak. This experiment is really for me so that I can create a body to live as long as they do. Keni is already into her mid teens, and there is so much that I have to experience with them. I don’t want to give that up just yet.” Maxus smiled as he understood what Dr. Long meant. He wouldn’t want to give up his family, not for all the meso in Usoria.
Months turned into years, experiments for various parts of the body were performed and then added. Dane would sometimes come to the lab with Maxus, watching in awe as chemicals would be mixed, or a piece of machinery would come to life.
“I’m worried about him Maxus.” Aelia said one day, watching as Dane was pouring over one of his books. Maxus looked passed her to Dane, furrowing his brow.
“I’ve tried getting him to come down to the labs and help with the experiments, but he always just comes right back here. I don’t know what will get him out there.” Maxus replied, sighing long. Aelia was about to respond to him when a knock came at the door. When she answered it, Carl and Madae were there with a small folder and hopeful expressions.
“Are the both of you free, there is something that we would like to discuss with the both of you.” Carl asked, motioning for the two of them to come outside. Maxus grabbed a cloak for both of them as they headed out into the cooling night.
“Yes? What’s the matter?” Aelia asked, her being one of the heads of liquid melding techniques.
“Both Madae and I have seen the progress that your son, Dane, has made in his studies under us, and within his own undertakings. With careful consideration, we would like to ask if you would be opposed to our asking of his being nominated for the position of Master Alchemist.” Madae snorted, turning to Carl with disdain in his eyes.
“Carl here is the one that thinks that the boy could be considered. While he does show much promise, I still think that it is too early for such a responsibility to be laid before him.” Maxus held up his hands between them.
“Brothers, brothers, there is no need to bicker. I agree with Madae in that such a responsibility is normally a very large weight to set on such a young person. But Dane is no ordinary boy, as I’m sure that you have seen.”
“Then you agree that his nomination would be a great thing?” Carl asked eagerly. Maxus looked to Aelia for an answer, feeling that she would be able to best answer the question.
“Dane has been spending a lot of time pouring over books; much more than I think is healthy. Do not misunderstand me; I am proud of him for soaking up so much knowledge from our libraries. However, I believe that his obsession with researching whatever has his attention at this moment is bordering on the outrageous. Something like this I believe would break his endless cycle allowing him to interact with others, furthering the advancement of alchemy here in Margata.” With her agreement for Dane’s nomination, Carl and Madae left to prepare the paperwork and the eventual vote for all of Margata.
When the day came, the votes counted showed that Dane was the one to appoint as head alchemist. He was still engrossed in his work to find out what it was that made the world as unbalanced as it had become. When at last the results were shown to him he blatantly refused.
“Dane, why don’t you take this opportunity? It could be something that would suit you well.” Adelia urged as Dane brushed back his hair, which had become quite long.
“Aelia, there are things in this world that you or anyone here in Margata wouldn’t understand. This world is warped, and being the leader of Margata would only hinder me in finding why.” Maxus narrowed his eyes and tilted his head slightly. New and difficult things to understand always interested him, even if he didn’t understand them in the first place.
“What do you mean ‘warped’?” Dane rested his head on three fingers and looked up at Maxus from under his silver locks.
“It’s not something that can be solved by simply applying a science to it Maxus. This goes beyond simple transmutations and algorithms. Darkness has saturated this world and is only continuing to become worse. I am going to find a way to stop it.” Dane stated. Now Maxus was even more intrigued: he had to know what it was that his son had stumbled upon. Dane sighed and shook his head.
“This is something that I don’t think you would be able to help me with Maxus. This is a path that leads to some very dark places.” Dane answered, pulling a book from his sleeve and setting it on the table.
“This is a journal of an ancient mage. In it, he chronicles his travels to the study of all magic, alchemy, and history among other things. During one of his outings, he came upon what some may call the truest of all evils. It has no form yet it fills the world; it has no substance yet it taints even the purest of hearts; it has no will, yet all who see it succumb to it.” Dane opened the book to a page that was completely colored with black ink.
“This mage sought a way to balance this darkness and found that it must be tempered with what he called ‘the ultimate light’.” Maxus came over to the book and looked over the previous pages, trying to understand what it was that he saw in the scrawled notes.
“If this is indeed something that is so terrible, then why are you seriously perusing this?” Maxus asked. There was always a way for science to explain something, but this; as Dane said, it was something beyond mere science. Dane chuckled under his breath and closed the book, covering his eyes with his hand.
“I am taking caution and reading through the journal as I proceed to ensure that I do not fail where this mage did.” Maxus became even more intrigued: perhaps these concepts could be applied to alchemy to make them more powerful.
“What is this darkness this mage speaks of?” Maxus asked. Dane lowered his brow, looking away and pondering the question deeply.
“I don’t know, but it is something that I intend to discover. With the permission of the leaders, I would like to start my research here in Margata, specifically with Dr. Long’s experiment of human transfer.” Maxus looked to Aelia, sighing heavily; where his son’s research would take him, only time would tell. But as the leaders of this great city had made clear, questions left unanswered became possibilities undiscovered.
“I will talk to them. In the meantime, I would like you to come and tell the people of the city yourself of your refusal.” Maxus urged. Dane chuckled under his breath, looking to Aelia as he stood and came out of his room.
“Where ever this road you are deciding to take goes, just know that you have a home here.” Aelia said, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“I will keep that in mind Aelia.” Dane smiled, walking through the front door, standing before the throng that had gathered to hear his reply.
“Good people of Margata, I must decline your vote.”
bruh you're slippin.
OT: well done was a nice little read.
For example, we were introduced to the mother as "Adelia" and then her name immediately changes to "Aelia," and later on she gets referred to as "Aelis" and then "Adelia" once more. What IS her name?
There's a lot of run on sentences, badly worded sentences, and redundancy.
“Don’t worry; nothing can hurt you here so long as I am here.” is redundant. He already said here, he doesn't need to say it again. "Nothing can hurt you, so long as I am here." would sound better.
The story, also, just throws you into a setting that, despite me being knowledgeable about MapleStory's lore, leave me clueless as to what is actually happening. This isn't a MapleStory fanfiction, it's an original story at this point. Just because the characters are "the same" or "similar," it doesn't follow the lore within MapleStory.
I had no idea what was happening for the majority of the story. I think it'd benefit you a little more to explain to readers what something is instead of leaving us in the dark. What is Usoria? Why, exactly, do they need to get their child blessed? What time period does this take place in? Even more importantly, who on Earth are our main characters?
Another thing is inconsistency. I already mentioned the inconsistency with Aelia's name, but there are parts where something is mentioned and it's then disregarded. You mention the child's "Crystal blue eyes" but then negate that by later saying "Blue-grey eyes." Crystal blue is NOT blue-grey, unless you're implying the kid has gotten tainted on his way to the temple. Which, you know, I'm actually inclined to believe.
Also, it's labor pains. Not birth pains.
There wasn't anything inherently wrong with the story, it's original, this was just a bit of my critique. I hope you don't think I hated this or anything, cause I tried coming off as neutral in my post. I still look forward to seeing what you can do in the future.
I did do this a while ago, just never got around to wanting to finish it. Plus this particular story come before/after and old fic I did some time ago, so I can understand being lost.
Y.K.
There's not as much discussion, but you wouldn't be limited to forum posts for writing your stories.
Y.K.