Before you keep reading, if you somehow made it this far without closing the window thinking it's just some attention-seeking complainer, please understand that I'm just here to vent at nothing, largely because of personal roadblocks that keep me from being able to express, vent, or even seek help about my own personal frustrations and difficulties. I'm not making you read this. You don't have to read this at all. In fact, it's probably better you just stop. Close the window. Go to another section of the forum. I don't want help. Not from the people who would ignore me any other day, not realizing I'm here. You don't owe me anything, you don't get anything from riling me up or trying to "comfort" me. I'm just here to vent because I don't have anywhere else to vent. Does that sound sad? Are you insulted? Because I'm beyond caring. I probably won't even come back to this thread again, and if I do it's because I want to check for spelling and grammatical errors and insult my past self.
I don't want help, and I don't need help. "Help" wouldn't help anyways. I don't need therapy, or to talk to someone. I am overfilled with a lot of... emotions that I don't have a way to empty out, and I'm not comfortable hoping to look for a website that "specializes" in anonymous venting. It just doesn't sit well with me. Plus I've done this twice in the past and nobody has told me to stop yet. And look, no matter what I say here, don't let it impact what you say to me otherwise. Conversate me as you normally would. I don't want special attention just because I accidentally set off some "feel sorry for me" or "hate me" triggers. Just let me have my moment and let's move on.
I mean, I am speaking as someone who, on one side anyways, is filled with ideas. Thought. Opinions. And who especially wants to share them with others, especially if it is a subject he is most interested in. It sometimes becomes overwhelming how much is in my head.
But on the other side, I am completely aware of how pointless it all is. Either people don't agree with me and do little to help form more agreeable ideas thoughts etc, or I'm simply ridiculed. That is, assuming I even get a response. This will sound absolutely pathetic, but that makes it really hard to respond back, or even want to keep posting thoughts.
And unfortunately, I know it is completely pointless. It's not like I can actually make an impact with no more than simple thoughts. It's not like I can ever hope that, since we are in Maplestory and themeing is good, someone at Nexon sees my idea and thinks it's good enough to discuss with the team. No, I can't even hope anyone leaves false hope they will consider it, or even say "we can't do that". I'm just left ignored, again.
Someone might wonder" WTF u talking about, you don't post crap here". Well, news flash, I DID used to post here with ideas a lot more. Back on the old forums. When I was younger and stupider, but most importantly, when I didn't realize how pointless it all was.
I'm more than certain now that back then I wanted attention, to be told that my ideas were good, help me form new ones, and so much more gay crap like that. But now, what do I have to hope for? I haven't felt joy about anything I thought in a long time. I've not cared about the opinions of others for a good while. Hell, I don't even like most of the people anyways. Everyone I once "knew" is gone now. They don't appear here anymore, and they don't miss me. I wasn't anything to them, not when they had actual friends who they could be with. I wouldn't even know what to look for if I wanted to talk to them again. And while I've had my moments with the new crowd, I know when I'm not wanted.
...I should mention, I was diagnosed as being depressed years ago (when I was 15 or 16 I think. I'm 19, almost 20, now), and that has mostly gone away, but depression has left it's mark on me.
I've become a lot more cynical. I am very mistrusting of others, even my own family. I'm brutally honest about everything, with no regard for how the other party might feel, and usually wind up stopping people from talking. I do not speak up, ever, especially not for my own sake. People have made so many assumptions about me, and all I can do is play along because I don't have the heart to speak up. But worst of all, I've stopped expressing myself. If I'm in emotional pain, I hold it in until I am by myself. If I'm angry, I simply go off and bottle that anger up. If someone is abusing me physically or mentally, I don't do anything to stop them, let alone show I'm in pain.
I know why. It's because I feel inferior to everyone. EVERYONE. And nobody, no matter how much I hate them, should be bothered by me or my own pathetic problems when they probably have their own problems to be worrying about (reminder, you don't have to be reading this). I've stopped caring what others think of me, but I wind up caring too much how others should be.
I can't even bring myself to pretend to be someone I'm not on the internet. Yeah, sounds weird, right? Someone on the internet whose online persona is pretty much the same as their IRL self? Well guess what. Everything I have said, everything I have ever felt, everything I ever thought? That was me. Not Xenomata, or Xatuish, or any other name you know me by. That was me. Nothing about "Xenomata" is "inspired" by anything, because "Xenomata" is just me. All "Xenomata" is is a name. What? That isn't anything to be proud of, you should in fact feel proud you can maintain your online selves. Me, I can't even hide behind some name I thought sounded cool when I was younger.
For someone who believes that anything in the digital world is just as important and meaningful as it would be if it were in real life, you can imagine I've been hurt a lot. Yet I still pretend that everything is fine. Yeah, I'm a really bad pretender, aren't I? If I hate you, I don't exactly sugarcoat anything I say. Hell, even if I like you, I don't treat you any better? Huh, maybe that's why I'm still friendless to this day, with my only friends being... nobody actually.
Maybe if I bring it up enough it will annoy you enough to just exit the post? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE READING MY RANT. I'M JUST HERE TO VENT TO NOTHING. I DON'T CARE OR EVEN WANT YOUR ATTENTION. NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU FROM LEAVING.
So I ask again, why do I even bother? If I am such a stereotypical basket case of a depressed, angsty teen who wants to watch the world burn, why do I keep having so many idealistic thoughts of ways to help others, to improve on something, and to help bring people together? It doesn't make sense, everything about me contradicts something else about me. I don't care for friends, but I desire companionship. I hate everyone, but I get joy from helping others. I say I'm fine, but I'm crying while saying it. About the only non-contradictory thing about me is that YOU STILL DON'T HAVE TO BE READING THIS.
Hell, as much as I like to rile people up just to see them react, I don't actually like doing it. I mean, yeah I'd want you to leave because you don't need to keep reading this, but I still don't like watching people suffer on my behalf.
I hate myself so much, but I'm not even depressed. I know what depression feels like, you can't tell me "you are depressed", even though you really shouldn't because you don't have to be here. I can still derive joy from things, I can most definitely bring myself to be motivated about things, and I don't want to kill myself.
It's boggling how I haven't just quit the internet, what with not being able to maintain a fake persona and feeling inferior to everyone, shrugging off compliments and being hurt by insults. Is that normal by the way? Because I almost always ignore compliments, but insults hurt me a lot more than they should, even if they are joking. Also jokes, what's up with them? I dunno, I do know however that I take them too literally. It's probably not odd, then, how I have no sense of humor, besides satanic humor that kills the mood every time and just makes me feel bad. By the way, *honk honk* if you are reading this, you are really wasting your time! *honk honk*. That was me making a joke about how you should leave if you are still reading this.
Wait, if I keep doing the "you really should stop reading this" thing, people are going to respond with insults and "helpful advise" specifically to spite me. Oops. Wait, who do I think will even read this??? It's 4 am PST, nobody is going to be on the forums looking through Rants and Raves at this hour. They'll be doing something more worth their time.
You know, this has all been improvised. I've just been steadily spilling my guts out with no real direction. Though I guess that's what a rant is, huh? I'm pretty much done venting though, largely because I'm now tired and need to go to sleep. I don't feel any better though. I doubt I ever will, even if I come back here to vent again. Yeah, I've bottled up a lot of hurt and angry emotions. Sigh... why can't I be one of those mindless goons who express their emotions with their chuckles and their knuckles? Venting won't do me any good like this, not if all of my anger, sadness, and guilt exceeds anything a human should ever have to experience. Then again, I guess I'm not a human anymore, just another example of what a human should never be. Ugh... my self-worth is so low, I can't even think of any other creature I can be on equal level with...
...so anyways, for those of you who skip to the last paragraph because reading is hard, hi! Don't worry, you aren't missing anything. Though I will say this was a lot shorter than I thought it would be. But don't you have some ribbon pigs to kill? Specifically of the Mutated variety? I hear the familiar is pretty good! Wish they'd update the familiar system though, I like it a lot more than I should!
Comments
ID: Invulgo#0882
Let's talk if you are up for it.
Yo.... you don't know me and I don't know you....
But... you're not alone in this.
I found that burning energy, (working out) was my outlet and way to get rid of it.
But what keeps me out of it is self reflecting time to time. What should change and what I should be doing more of.
If you balance gaming and personal life more you'll slowly feel better over time.
It's not just 1 thing though. Try to listen to other music, repaint your room, try dancing, or even try games you wouldn't play.
The main problem, IMO, is that we're animals that move. Stay in one spot, do the same thing too long and you'll be drained of excitement.
That's why I chose daily walking and weight lifting. The game sessions I do afterwards feel a lot more fulfilling.
Hope this bit of 2 cents helps.
though from what i read all habits die slowly, since you still tried to make a impact by posting your thoughs out in the open.
not that it is bad, rather its good this way you wont become a turtel like me when i have problems.
anyways i know that feeling when you make friend you want to help them. you want to stay in contact.
but online game friends are just that online games only a few can bloom into true friends its just like real life
you meet many people and you going to say good bye to many of them.
heck you probably going to forget all of them during the next few months unless you write with them from time to time.
that is just how life works nothing is going to change it even if you wished somehow they would hold on to you.
i remember once during my first guild my guild slowly died out from 13 people 4 were left and soon after only i remaind.
for months i was the only on that keep the guild alive without any jr i was unable to rebuild it so i just waited it out.
at one point i gave up wrote my good bye to my guild leader. which i didnt talked to for half a year and suddendly the whole guild dissolved next day.
seems like she did watched me waiting and left the guild completly empty in my hand.
anyways its funny when someone write about their problems you always remember parts of your own old problems...
feels kinda nostalgia
I don't know what anyone is saying. Let that be my one marketable skill, not knowing crap and being able to never learn crap. But regardless of whatever I said up there, don't let it be believed that need mental help, or divine intervention, or lol tl;dr kill urself, or whatever. I'm just assuming,
I'm pretty sure I only ever had the idea to vent online because I knew people online don't care. They don't know my face, so they have no investment in me or my well-being. So whatever I shout, it doesn't matter who hears and who responds. Or wait, maybe I'm making too many negative assumptions about humanity, putting all my doubtful eggs into the same basket of assumption rather than thinking if my eggs would be better suited for the basket of hope. But I digress.
Whatever I said, and whatever you are saying, it's fine. I'm not going anywhere, as much as you may have hoped I would. I'm typing this in the same way I'd tell a person the approximate amount of time it'd take to find all 20 Lunar Dews and if it's even worth it. Please just let this be another thing to be buried away forever, when we've all forgotten about it and I want something to read. A time capsule I'll only dig up if I get bored. A time capsule that will disappear when the forums inevitably get updated to a new format... again.
I'm saying this to anyone who's already responded or is thinking of responding.
Of course I could just be assuming what's going on from there being 7 responses to a very real-life rant. Maybe I'm subconsciously hopeful that people online do care about my well-being? Or perhaps I just wanted to lure out the truly despicable people out there, playing the fiddle of their facade to the tune of salt and flames, as it seems I usually do. Is that the name of a song yet? What am I even doing right now.
You know what, I'll compromise. If there is something I very desperately need to hear, if something so important could ever even exist, just send me a pm. I'll read it. That's a thing in this new forum, right? But if not, I'll probably read what you said a few months from now. And if it's just "tl;dr lol kill urself", welcome new resident of the internet, this is not the last time you will be sending that message. Also don't waste your breath, I'm too scared of death to even think of suicide.
...man I feel like there's more to type here, but... oh well.
Well GG, someone else who understands.
I personally just try to stay away from humanity irl, nothing ever really gets solved.
Could be why I'm an isolated, wreck of a human being.
But venting is a way to get things out, so good for you on venting emotions.
Kind of jealous myself, because I can't convey a damn thing.