Before you keep reading, if you somehow made it this far without closing the window thinking it's just some attention-seeking complainer, please understand that I'm just here to vent at nothing, largely because of personal roadblocks that keep me from being able to express, vent, or even seek help about my own personal frustrations and difficulties. I'm not making you read this. You don't have to read this at all. In fact, it's probably better you just stop. Close the window. Go to another section of the forum. I don't want help. Not from the people who would ignore me any other day, not realizing I'm here. You don't owe me anything, you don't get anything from riling me up or trying to "comfort" me. I'm just here to vent because I don't have anywhere else to vent. Does that sound sad? Are you insulted? Because I'm beyond caring. I probably won't even come back to this thread again, and if I do it's because I want to check for spelling and grammatical errors and insult my past self.
I don't want help, and I don't need help. "Help" wouldn't help anyways. I don't need therapy, or to talk to someone. I am overfilled with a lot of... emotions that I don't have a way to empty out, and I'm not comfortable hoping to look for a website that "specializes" in anonymous venting. It just doesn't sit well with me. Plus I've done this twice in the past and nobody has told me to stop yet. And look, no matter what I say here, don't let it impact what you say to me otherwise. Conversate me as you normally would. I don't want special attention just because I accidentally set off some "feel sorry for me" or "hate me" triggers. Just let me have my moment and let's move on.
I mean, I am speaking as someone who, on one side anyways, is filled with ideas. Thought. Opinions. And who especially wants to share them with others, especially if it is a subject he is most interested in. It sometimes becomes overwhelming how much is in my head.
But on the other side, I am completely aware of how pointless it all is. Either people don't agree with me and do little to help form more agreeable ideas thoughts etc, or I'm simply ridiculed. That is, assuming I even get a response. This will sound absolutely pathetic, but that makes it really hard to respond back, or even want to keep posting thoughts.
And unfortunately, I know it is completely pointless. It's not like I can actually make an impact with no more than simple thoughts. It's not like I can ever hope that, since we are in Maplestory and themeing is good, someone at Nexon sees my idea and thinks it's good enough to discuss with the team. No, I can't even hope anyone leaves false hope they will consider it, or even say "we can't do that". I'm just left ignored, again.
Someone might wonder" WTF u talking about, you don't post crap here". Well, news flash, I DID used to post here with ideas a lot more. Back on the old forums. When I was younger and stupider, but most importantly, when I didn't realize how pointless it all was.
I'm more than certain now that back then I wanted attention, to be told that my ideas were good, help me form new ones, and so much more gay crap like that. But now, what do I have to hope for? I haven't felt joy about anything I thought in a long time. I've not cared about the opinions of others for a good while. Hell, I don't even like most of the people anyways. Everyone I once "knew" is gone now. They don't appear here anymore, and they don't miss me. I wasn't anything to them, not when they had actual friends who they could be with. I wouldn't even know what to look for if I wanted to talk to them again. And while I've had my moments with the new crowd, I know when I'm not wanted.
...I should mention, I was diagnosed as being depressed years ago (when I was 15 or 16 I think. I'm 19, almost 20, now), and that has mostly gone away, but depression has left it's mark on me.
I've become a lot more cynical. I am very mistrusting of others, even my own family. I'm brutally honest about everything, with no regard for how the other party might feel, and usually wind up stopping people from talking. I do not speak up, ever, especially not for my own sake. People have made so many assumptions about me, and all I can do is play along because I don't have the heart to speak up. But worst of all, I've stopped expressing myself. If I'm in emotional pain, I hold it in until I am by myself. If I'm angry, I simply go off and bottle that anger up. If someone is abusing me physically or mentally, I don't do anything to stop them, let alone show I'm in pain.
I know why. It's because I feel inferior to everyone. EVERYONE. And nobody, no matter how much I hate them, should be bothered by me or my own pathetic problems when they probably have their own problems to be worrying about (reminder, you don't have to be reading this). I've stopped caring what others think of me, but I wind up caring too much how others should be.
I can't even bring myself to pretend to be someone I'm not on the internet. Yeah, sounds weird, right? Someone on the internet whose online persona is pretty much the same as their IRL self? Well guess what. Everything I have said, everything I have ever felt, everything I ever thought? That was me. Not Xenomata, or Xatuish, or any other name you know me by. That was me. Nothing about "Xenomata" is "inspired" by anything, because "Xenomata" is just me. All "Xenomata" is is a name. What? That isn't anything to be proud of, you should in fact feel proud you can maintain your online selves. Me, I can't even hide behind some name I thought sounded cool when I was younger.
For someone who believes that anything in the digital world is just as important and meaningful as it would be if it were in real life, you can imagine I've been hurt a lot. Yet I still pretend that everything is fine. Yeah, I'm a really bad pretender, aren't I? If I hate you, I don't exactly sugarcoat anything I say. Hell, even if I like you, I don't treat you any better? Huh, maybe that's why I'm still friendless to this day, with my only friends being... nobody actually.
Maybe if I bring it up enough it will annoy you enough to just exit the post? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE READING MY RANT. I'M JUST HERE TO VENT TO NOTHING. I DON'T CARE OR EVEN WANT YOUR ATTENTION. NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU FROM LEAVING.
So I ask again, why do I even bother? If I am such a stereotypical basket case of a depressed, angsty teen who wants to watch the world burn, why do I keep having so many idealistic thoughts of ways to help others, to improve on something, and to help bring people together? It doesn't make sense, everything about me contradicts something else about me. I don't care for friends, but I desire companionship. I hate everyone, but I get joy from helping others. I say I'm fine, but I'm crying while saying it. About the only non-contradictory thing about me is that YOU STILL DON'T HAVE TO BE READING THIS.
Hell, as much as I like to rile people up just to see them react, I don't actually like doing it. I mean, yeah I'd want you to leave because you don't need to keep reading this, but I still don't like watching people suffer on my behalf.
I hate myself so much, but I'm not even depressed. I know what depression feels like, you can't tell me "you are depressed", even though you really shouldn't because you don't have to be here. I can still derive joy from things, I can most definitely bring myself to be motivated about things, and I don't want to kill myself.
It's boggling how I haven't just quit the internet, what with not being able to maintain a fake persona and feeling inferior to everyone, shrugging off compliments and being hurt by insults. Is that normal by the way? Because I almost always ignore compliments, but insults hurt me a lot more than they should, even if they are joking. Also jokes, what's up with them? I dunno, I do know however that I take them too literally. It's probably not odd, then, how I have no sense of humor, besides satanic humor that kills the mood every time and just makes me feel bad. By the way, *honk honk* if you are reading this, you are really wasting your time! *honk honk*. That was me making a joke about how you should leave if you are still reading this.
Wait, if I keep doing the "you really should stop reading this" thing, people are going to respond with insults and "helpful advise" specifically to spite me. Oops. Wait, who do I think will even read this??? It's 4 am PST, nobody is going to be on the forums looking through Rants and Raves at this hour. They'll be doing something more worth their time.
You know, this has all been improvised. I've just been steadily spilling my guts out with no real direction. Though I guess that's what a rant is, huh? I'm pretty much done venting though, largely because I'm now tired and need to go to sleep. I don't feel any better though. I doubt I ever will, even if I come back here to vent again. Yeah, I've bottled up a lot of hurt and angry emotions. Sigh... why can't I be one of those mindless goons who express their emotions with their chuckles and their knuckles? Venting won't do me any good like this, not if all of my anger, sadness, and guilt exceeds anything a human should ever have to experience. Then again, I guess I'm not a human anymore, just another example of what a human should never be. Ugh... my self-worth is so low, I can't even think of any other creature I can be on equal level with...
...so anyways, for those of you who skip to the last paragraph because reading is hard, hi! Don't worry, you aren't missing anything. Though I will say this was a lot shorter than I thought it would be. But don't you have some ribbon pigs to kill? Specifically of the Mutated variety? I hear the familiar is pretty good! Wish they'd update the familiar system though, I like it a lot more than I should!